Since entering Pisces season, I have been feeling myself submerged in the watery depths of emotional intensity. The powerful undercurrent of feeling has been taunting me and daunting for me. It ebbs and flows, and seems to surface at the most unexpected of moments.
I have found myself returning to old methods of distraction, despite my desire to do otherwise. Yet, I also have been feeling the pressing call to get back to my healthiest practices, and have had moments of riding high on the crests of these waves of bliss.
It’s always strange to me how I can continue to be surprised by the fact that no matter how much emotional excavation I do, there will always be more to unearth … ALWAYS.
In my yoga practice this evening, the instructor was speaking of clearing the cobwebs and debris from the joints in the body as a way to clear the mind and the heart, as well. I could feel that direct correlation as I gyrated and hinged each joint to the fullest range of motion I could muster. I was creating space, creating ease, lubricating the places in my body that are designed to move freely, but that, over time and mindless use have become stiff and unyielding and compacted. It felt physically amazing, but I also felt those close places in my heart and mind beginning to expand and become more flexible and accepting, as well.
Another interesting thing happened this week. Amid all the exhausting emotional experience, expressing and avoidance, my laptop died.
My laptop is my bridge with the wider world. It is necessary for much of the work I do. It is where I plan my life; where I budget and balance my finances; where I connect with friends and family. It is where I go to find inspiration and to express myself. I turn to it when I need to understand something that is eluding me, or to learn more about something that piques my interest. In short, it is an important part of my life, my way of communicating with the world around me, and my ability to earn an income.
And it died.
I thought it was interesting that this tool that I spend so much of time and energy with on a daily basis was forcing an upgrade just as I was feeling my Soul forcing an upgrade with this emotional exodus that has been taking place within me.
I knew I was going to have to upgrade sometime sooner than later. My laptop was old. In Mac years it was ancient. And I was planning to replace it in the near-ish future. But I thought I had at least another 6 months to get my proverbial house in order; to prepare for the sometimes daunting task of becoming intimate with a new device; and of transferring my information from the old machine to the shiny new replacement.
Alas, I am now in the process of trying to navigate all that on the fly. And in a weird way, it’s really good for me. I’m generally a turtle kind of person. I am a big of the slow and steady wins the race philosophy. I like to take my time when transitioning to something new. More specifically, I like to take my time preparing for transitioning to something new. But being forced to do it quickly and outside my comfortable zone of timing and preparation is a good reminder that I am capable. I can do this. And with just a small shift in perspective, I can experience this as an exciting adventure rather than a stressful setback.
It is an opportunity to learn something new; an opportunity to catch up with new technology, which is likely to serve me well for the knowing. This sudden newness jolts me out of the complacency that inevitably tempts me to stay in the familiar and comfortable while limiting my growth and expansion.
I might make mistakes as I’m figuring it all out, but that’s fine. In fact, it’s helpful. It’s through failing that I am able to learn how to succeed.
This same attitude translates to my current state of emotional turmoil, too.
I call it turmoil, because it is definitely upsetting the smooth surface of equanimity I’ve been cultivating. But it isn’t a negative thing. Not at all. In fact, I consider it beautiful progress on my road to bliss.
I spent most of my life suppressing my emotions. I would tamp down my feelings until they could be expressed at a level that felt acceptable to those around me, which sometimes meant not expressing them at all. They would get packed down further and deeper within me until I became so rigid from the containment of it all that my body wasn’t able to move so freely for fear of shaking one of these errant emotions loose.
It took ages for me to recognize that I was even doing this. And it’s taken ages more to try to shift the habit so that I am able to actually feel my feelings when they arise and express them in whatever ways feel complete and whole for me. I still haven’t fully mastered this ability, but I’ve come a long way, baby. And I feel confident that I will never revert to that level of extreme emotional subversion ever again.
Now, it seems, those old emotional experiences that have been tucked away like trash in a compactor for so many years are finally starting to stretch out and move to the surface to be released; to create space for something new, some shiny replacement. I imagine it will create more space for vitality, prana, the rich and beautiful life force that is our birth right.
My challenge, now, is to find the strength and perseverance to allow the expression of these emotions, despite the lack of preparation for it. It sounds simple enough, but it is proving to be harder than it sounds. I’m still getting comfortable expressing emotions as they are elicited. Adding to that emotions that are surfacing with no attachment to identifiable sources is, to say the least, a lot.
Still, I am doing my best. I am showing up for myself as much as I can. And I’m forgiving myself when I fail. Just as with the new technology I’m learning, failure on this emotional journey will teach me how to succeed. If I start feeling some Big Feelings bubbling to the surface, and I feel overwhelmed by them, I might choose to turn to an old distraction and numbing method as a way to cope with it all. However, this will leave me feeling unsatisfied. I will feel emotionally unfulfilled and physically depleted. I can learn from that failure. I can make note of how that choice feels, and that I don’t really enjoy it. Then I can choose something else next time it happens. Eventually, I will find a way to express these emotions that feels safe and complete and freeing for me. And I will feel uplifted, healthier and happier as a result.
And then, when I’m a pro at that, I’ll find another challenge awaiting me … if I’m lucky. This is just another experiment in bliss, after all.
experimentsinbliss 