So far, 2024 has been painful. It seems like it’s just been one gut punch after another, and I continue to struggle to find my footing and my breath just in time for the next assault. I’m not enjoying it.
However … yes, there’s a “however” … However, this series of painful circumstances does seem to be telling a story. One that corresponds with my current astrological landscape. One that hints at something better and brighter on the other side of the valley of darkness. But I’ll get to that in a moment.
First, I’d like to try to catalog each assault. Or, at least what I can remember at this point. I feel like I’ve been so battered that I’ve just compartmentalized some of the unpleasantness into tidy wrapped boxes in my subconsciousness to be dealt with later. As the year was introduced, I was feeling like I was in a pretty good place. There had been a slight upset at the end of the year with a former employer using some aggressive tactics to try to bully me into paying him money he thought I owed him. (I didn’t.) But that got resolved before the end of the year. So, I stepped into 2024 feeling pretty secure and even hopeful about the trajectory of things to come. Little did I know how precarious that footing actually was.
In January, my bodywork business was starting to noticeably dwindle. I chalked it up to people recovering from the holidays and inflation. It’s not unusual for the first of the year to be slower. Then February came along. In that first week, I learned that my part-time job, which I’d been relying on for years as my stable steady income was coming to an end with only a few weeks to prepare for the loss of over half of my income. *Gut punch* As February played out, my bodywork business hit an all-time low—clients were dropping from the schedule like proverbial flies. Another quarter of my income … gone. *Gut punch* March and April have been equally slow. Where I was averaging 12-15 clients a week in 2023, I have now been averaging 3. *Gut punch* Trying to find a job as a 50-year-old woman who has primarily worked as a massage therapist for the past two decades is proving to be a huge challenge. Where do people go to find job listings these days? How am I supposed to explain to prospective employers that I am intelligent and competent in many arenas despite my resume only really showing bodywork and the occasional administrative role? Every time I thought I might have a strong lead, it would dwindle into nothing, leaving me still without income, without a prospect for income and with a severely tattered ego. *Gut punch* And, now, my meager bit of savings that has allowed me to pay my rent and other bills during this financial drought are almost all gone. I’ve got one more month to find an income, or I may find myself in very dire straits, indeed. *Gut punch*
This experience has been enough to make me question everything I am, everything I know and everything I’ve ever done. And, strangely, I think that may be the point. I just celebrated my 50th birthday. This, in itself, feels crazy. I don’t feel 50. Or at least I don’t feel like what I always imagined 50 would feel like. I do feel a scarcity around time and possibility, which I know to be a conditioned fear, because in my heart of hearts I believe that there’s never a “too late” for doing anything. But, the point of mentioning my birthday, is to say that I am squarely in my Chiron Return, astrologically speaking.
Chiron signifies core wounds and wisdom in astrology. When Chiron returns to the exact point in the zodiac where it was at birth, it is called a Chiron Return. (Aptly named, no?) When this happens, the native (in this case, me) gets an opportunity to really experience those core wounds and to delve into what we’ve learned from them. Have we actually engaged with those wounds in ways that have created wisdom or have we avoided/fought with/projected/rejected them? As all my Chiron scabs are being picked right now, I can see how my current circumstances are asking me to check in with what I’ve learned and how I can integrate that wisdom in ways that will propel me forward into this next phase of my life to allow me to live more authentically, joyfully and wisely.
The themes I seem to be most engaged with at the moment are Security, Failure/Success, Worthiness and Power. These are all related, of course, when it comes to my ability to take care of myself in the world; to provide the basic necessities of life, such as food, shelter and human connection. They are all in question, and I’m being asked (forced?) to engage with these themes in very practical, earthly ways.
To switch from Astrology to Human Design for a moment … I am a 6:2 profile. I am entering the third phase of development of my 6-line profile. 6-line profiles have a three-step process of development. The first phase is all about experimentation. It’s trial and error. It’s learning about the world through experience. The second phase is called “being on the roof”. This is about removing oneself from the more detailed, highly engaged experience of daily life in order to gain a higher perspective. It is often a more spiritually-inclined time that allows for integration and processing of the results of all that experimentation in the first phase. The third phase is referred to as “coming down from the roof”. This is when the person re-integrates into society as a more whole and integrated human being. They have become a positive example for others of what it means to live authentically with wisdom, experience and awareness.
The general time frames for each phase are as follows: Phase 1 happens from birth to around the Saturn Return. Phase 2 takes place between the Saturn Return and the Chiron Return, roughly. And Phase 3 is initiated with the Chiron Return.
So, yes, I’m now making my first steps back into the fully immersive experience of human life from my safe and slightly removed rooftop perch. It’s no surprise that it might feel a little jarring. I sometimes think of it as returning home from an extended travel abroad. There’s a culture shock that can happen, even in one’s own native homeland. It’s necessary to relearn how I fit into this new phase of life, because it’s not the same as it was before my trip to the roof. And I’m certainly not the same as I was when I went up there decades ago.
So, while I’m reeling from all this eclipse-driven sudden change that has pulled the rug (or roof?) out from under me, I believe that it is in service to my evolution into this next phase of life. I am feeling a strong desire to make changes and to find new ways to move through the world. I just need to find a way to financially support myself through it all.
Or perhaps the real lesson I need to learn is how to TRUST. I’m working on it.
experimentsinbliss 