Ashes to Ashes … Dust to Dust

 

(This post originally appeared on my professional website:  www.experiments-in-bliss.com.  Find additional information for living the blissful life of your dreams there.)

Transformation has long been a recurring theme in my life.  I feel like we are all always transforming, always evolving, growing, changing in some way or another.  Some of us do this with awareness and intention, others with complete obliviousness.  Still, change is constant.  However, sometimes change gets upgraded to CHANGE.  There are moments in some lives that herald intensely profound, fundamental, life-shifting transformation.  In Shamanic traditions, these profound shifts are often called dismemberments.

This is just as it sounds:  It is a total dismembering of the Self and Soul in which we tear apart the life and self-image we’ve spent a lifetime building to create space for the re-creation of a new life that more closely aligns with our soul’s true purpose.  It is sometimes light, easy, and enjoyable.  But, for many, it can be a heavy and confusing string of gut-wrenching challenges that can drag on indefinitely.  This puts me in mind of the Blondie lyrics:  “She’s so dull … come on, rip her to shreds!”

According to Tim at Alchemists Journal, “there are likely many degrees to which we experience a dismemberment reflected in our daily lives.  I’m sure it is often not even noticeable, just a graceful shift in course.  Sometimes, however, much greater transformation seems to be required, one in which every aspect of our lives is offered up for possible demolition.”  Either way, the outcome is a shiny new life of purpose and contribution and, presumably, bliss.  Tim continues:  “That’s … the reason we ultimately surrender to it:  Our soul is already awakened to the potential we are in the process of fulfilling.  As we are laid bare, reduced to the most fundamental aspects of ourselves, our soul’s calling can be much more easily heard.”

According to Nancy Sherwood of Traveller’s Joy, “dismantling anything takes time, and the ego does not like this loss.  But the Spirit can be strong, and can transform apparent death into rebirth.”  I liken this experience to the Tower card in the tarot.  It’s about totally leveling the foundational structures we’ve built for ourselves.  Everything we know to be true is challenged, questioned, scrutinized, and either validated, or deemed no longer relevant and discarded to make space for something better suited for the current environment.  Many people view the Tower card with fear and disappointment when it appears in a spread.  But I have always revered it as a great harbinger of Hope.  It’s an opportunity for refinement which, if taken, can lead to beautiful new experiences and greater ease on life’s journey.  Keeping this attitude during a period of dismemberment can be decidedly helpful.

Sherwood also makes an interesting point here:

“Space is defined as a feminine aspect in Buddhism, and form a masculine one. The dance between the two is what takes place here on earth, where form has been given such a major role that it is dismembering the earth itself.”

I understand her to be observing the imbalance created in our ‘civilized’ modern lives.  Where once we had much more balance between the feminine and masculine aspects of energy in our world, we now offer much more weight and power to the masculine – form over space, action over reception, external over internal, and, accordingly, extrospection over introspection.  Under this paradigm we are not only faced with the challenges inherent in a lack of natural balance, but our resources for how to process information and experience on an interpersonal level is diminished.

From a macrocosmic perspective, there seems to be some dismemberment work taking place in the world of late.  The #metoo movement, #blacklivesmatter, natural disasters, and upheavals in the political arenas are clear evidence of this.

On a personal, microcosmic level, I have been experiencing a very profound dismemberment adventure.  Upon my relocation to Austin, I joined a Shamanic women’s group in an effort to meet people, and reconnect with the spiritual community in the city and the spiritual community within myself.  Our group meets regularly for Shamanic Journeying as well as Goddess Culture exploration and celebration of the Divine Feminine.  It’s been very powerful and healing for me to be a part of this circle of women exploring our relationships to Spirit.  The journey work we do is very similar to the Internal Family Systems work I was doing just before I left Durham.  I’ve missed doing that IFS work, and am grateful to be exploring this kind of self-guided, but guide-supported internal work again.

During the past two journeying sessions I have had experiences of my physical body being completely dissolved into ash and crystal glitter dust, respectively.  Neither experiences were frightening for me. In fact, they were liberating and beautiful.  I felt safe and loved and protected the entire time.  When I shared my experiences with the group, one of my mentors told me about dismemberment journeys within the Shamanic school of thought.  This was the first time I had heard this particular phrase; though, of course, the idea of death and rebirth are shared by many of the world’s religions, myths, and cultures, and was very familiar to me.  Having this new lens through which to view my experience has been very enlightening.  I already was aware of the fact that I am in the midst of a long and drawn out transformation of some kind, but I, in my Ego-driven mind, assumed it was because I was actively making choices to create change.  And, while, to a certain degree, this true, it’s also hubristic.

When I look back over the past couple years, noticing the plans I’ve had and the way those plans were (or were not) made manifest, it is clear to me that I am not the primary driver here.  Every day I become more aware of new opportunities to come more fully into what I can only describe as my True Self.  And while it’s very hopeful and exciting, I also notice myself dipping into my bag of tried and true modes of avoidance.  These behaviors that I’ve picked up along the way to distract me from the discomfort of deep and powerful Change always show up when my Ego is feeling challenged for control of my life.  I am grateful for the awareness of it.  And I am hopeful for the strength to dismember those disruptive patterns, too.  I know my Soul is fierce and strong.  I also know she has the courage and fortitude to be soft if I can only let her.  (It’s this that seems to be most challenging for me.)  So, these visions in which I am being reduced to nothing but tiny bits of earth, and rebuilt as a more complete, updated version of myself provide me with invaluable encouragement that I am on the right path and I am equipped to succeed through this part of my journey.  I have a spiritual community available and willing to act as my support system.  I have a physical community available and willing to act as my support system.  And I can do this.

Should you find yourself in the midst of a dismemberment journey, whether gentle or brutal, you may find the following tools to be helpful.  Either way, I wish you love and strength and softness on your path!

TOOLS FOR NAVIGATING POWERFUL LIFE TRANSFORMATIONS:

  • Seek out a professional guide.  This could be a Shamanic Healer, a mental health professional, a certified counselor, a religious teacher/advisor, or a group experienced with navigating big life changes.  Having this kind of trained guidance can not only provide comfort and structure to your transition, but it can make the experience much safer, too.
  • Find some personal person support.  Tell a friend or family member what you are doing, and enlist their help when things are feeling challenging or during those times when you need to establish new routines and new ways of integrating with others.
  • Practice some form of meditative strategy.  This can be Shamanic Journeying, or any other kind of meditative practice that resonates for you.  Since these kind of life-altering transformational shifts are often initiated by the Soul, it is helpful to have a vehicle in which you can regularly converse with your Soul in its own language.  Any ‘meta’ practice will do as long as you feel a connection to the spirit realm, or soul level, when you practice it.
  • Document your experiences with Spirit.  I really enjoy journaling post-journey to document my experience.  I gain added insights when I go back and read, and re-read, those entries.  Some people like to paint, compose music, or choreograph dance.  The possibilities are endless.  Choose a form of documentation that feels powerful to you and that allows you to express your experience in a way that gives you access to it again and again.
  • Pay Attention!  Start to notice your life more fully.  Be aware of new opportunities opening up for you.  Notice people, relationships, experiences coming into or leaving your life.  Be mindful about any learned habitual responses to the discomfort you may be experiencing.  And even search for signs of discomfort that you might be trying to bury in shadow.  This is a time of Change, and watching it all unfold with focused awareness can make for an incredibly rich and informative experience.
  • Get out of the way.  It can be tempting to try to control everything that’s happening during these times of intense transition.  And it’s perfectly fine to be an active participant in your life.  But there’s a fine line between active participant and steamroller.  If you find your attempts at directing energy in a particular way are being thwarted at every turn, then maybe recognize that there may be a better direction for that energy.  Get out of the way and let Spirit guide you toward what that new direction is.
  • Keep calm and carry on.  It may sound trite, but, really, the best thing you can do during this time, in my humble opinion, is to relax into it.  Try to keep a positive outlook, remembering that your Soul is guiding you to greater heights.  You are never asked to do anything more than what you are capable of doing.  And it really is going to be fine.  Sometimes when we stop struggling, we realize it was the struggle, not the situation, that was making things so unpleasant.  So, shift your gaze to the positive.  Become your own Pollyanna.  And enjoy the ride.
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Go Be Love.

For the past few months, I have been gifting my Self with Internal Family Systems Therapy sessions. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a type of therapy pioneered by Dr. Richard Schwartz, PhD. It supposes that all individual persons are made up of multiple parts, and these parts make up our internal family system. This is not the same kind of situation as schizophrenia: Individual parts do not ‘take over’ and force the primary Self into silent submission. Rather, this is simply a description of different aspects of our personality. It is common to tell someone that a part of us wanted one thing, but another part of us wanted something else. For instance, a little kid in a candy shop might have trouble deciding what to purchase: a part of her wants sour patch kids, but another part of her knows how they make her tummy hurt when she eats them. Still another part of her will make the decision to either throw caution to the wind and get the sour patch kids or to play it safe and go with the licorice whips, instead. Get the idea?

Obviously this is a very simplified example. And if you want to learn more about IFS, then you should go to this website where you can read more about it.

So, back to the reason I brought this up in the first place …

Tonight I had another session. And during this session, I had my first experience with a part unburdening. (Unburdening is when a part is able to fully release a past injury it’s been carrying around for a long time.)  It was really cool and unexpected. And this one was a spontaneous unburdening, which meant that the part didn’t tell me what the burden was, it just let it go.

During these sessions we work in guided visualizations. Here is an abridged version of what happened in tonight’s session:

I called to me a couple of parts I met in the previous session that seemed to be guarding an exile (an injured part). The first was a very energetic and playful little boy. The second was The Nothing from The Neverending Story. The little boy and I immediately took to each other – we had made friends in the previous session – and spent a few minutes playing in a field and bouncing on a trampoline. Then I noticed it getting darker, clouds were rolling in, the air felt heavy and electric. The Nothing was approaching. In the previous session The Nothing had felt very resistant, stagnant and menacing. This time, however, it didn’t elicit any fear or hesitation from my Self at all. I was merely curious about it. So I started talking with it and asking it what it wanted to share with me. It sent out a spokesman in the form of a Dementor. (Yes, the creatures from the Harry Potter series.) Strangely, I felt no fear, cold, dread nor any reaction to it other than wondering what it was going to tell me. It told me that I was evil. (Erm, excuse me?)  When I asked it why it thought I was evil, it told me I had forgotten how to listen.   My therapist suggested I ask it if it recognized that I was my Self and not another part and that I was here to listen. I did, and then I asked it what it needed to share. Suddenly I was no longer on the trampoline, but was on a rocky island in the middle of a turbulent ocean (again, very in keeping with the Harry Potter theme). The Dementor said that they wanted me to jump in to find out. I noticed it used the plural, and then saw that the sky was full of Dementors. Still, however, they incited no feelings other than curiosity. I was really interested in finding out what they were trying to simultaneously protect me from and convey to me.

I got a little frightened when I took in my surroundings. I was on a very precarious surface and the ocean was dark and roiling. Then I saw it: A Great White Shark was circling the rock island I was on. (Yes. I made the mistake of watching a trailer for The Shallows last night.) Anyway. If you know me at all, you know that I have a major shark phobia. And I mean PHOBIA. So, the thought of jumping into a stormy black sea with Jaws gave me pause. I actually began to wonder if maybe I wasn’t ready for this revelation. And while I was busy pondering that, I felt my Self jump in. (What?!?)

Once in the water, I was kind of descending in slow motion. It was dark, but that dreamy underwater dark. I felt safe somehow. I saw the shark approach me and before I could let my fear take hold, I just swam up to it and hugged it. To my absolute astonishment, it grinned and rolled over like a puppy getting a belly rub. I began to pet it behind the gills. This made it so happy. And it made me happy. During that time the shark shrunk to a more average shark size. It began to sort of frolic around with me. We danced and played and snuggled.  After a while, I asked it what it wanted to do and it told me to grab hold of its dorsal fin.

I did and it began to take me into a deeper part of the ocean. We approached a sort of cave-like space on the ocean’s floor. Just inside the cave mouth was a treasure chest. The shark indicated that I was to open it. I expected to see some kind of treasure or something in there, but it was empty. I was curious what to do when the shark vomited into the empty chest. I told the shark to take as much time as it needed to purge. I nurtured the shark and rubbed his back while he vomited and vomited into the chest. When it was finished it told me to close the chest and bury it. I used a shell to dig into the ocean floor and buried the closed chest. As I was digging a single diamond floated up to me. I offered it to the shark and it ate the diamond. The shark began to sparkle and shimmer and radiated a beautiful light. Urged by my therapist, I asked it what qualities it would like to take in, if any, to replenish itself post-purge, and it chose the following: Courage; Light; Strength; Joy. (There was one more, but I can’t remember it now.)

Then I grabbed its fin and it brought be back up to the surface. As we emerged, the weather was clear and beautiful. There was a rainbow. We were just off a lovely sand beach and the sun was making a brilliant show of setting. I thanked the shark for what it shared with me. I told it I loved it. I could tell the time was coming for us to part, so I asked it if it wanted to stay where it was or go somewhere else? It was happy in this new beautiful, calm sea. I asked if it wanted anyone else there with it? It chose a sweet pink dolphin as a playmate. They started swimming away happily and I shouted out to the shark to see if there were any last things it wanted to share with me? “Go be Love!” it said.

Go be Love.

So that’s my new mission.

I like it.

If you haven’t experienced IFS, I highly recommend it. It’s a wonderful way to free your Self from past injuries in your own time and in your own way. The therapist is there to guide you, but the work is yours alone. It’s good stuff.

Thanks for taking the time to read through this post. If you’re still reading: I love you! If you stopped reading a long time ago: I love you! And I invite you, too, to go be Love!

Some Exciting News!

Hello Beautiful People! I am so pleased to be sharing some amazingly good news with you today.

I’M GOING TO HAWAII!!!

I have been accepted to a work exchange program at Kanekiki Farm on the Big Island of Hawaii! I’ll be there from September through the end of the year. As you might imagine, I am over the moon about this new adventure!

Kanekiki Farm is a working farm and intentional community that has been growing for six years. The community consists of a handful of full-timers and a continuous rotation of volunteers, interns, and guests. My favorite thing about the Kanekiki community, and the primary reason I chose to apply for the program, is that they are an 80/10/10 community.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you mat remember me writing about 80/10/10 before. It’s also sometimes referred to as Low Fat High Carb Raw Vegan. It’s a diet and lifestyle practice that centers around achieving optimal health through getting as close to Nature as possible. (If you’re interested in learning more about 80/10/10, check out The 80/10/10 Diet book by Dr. Douglas Graham. It’s a very informative and enjoyable read.)

My hope is that while I am at the farm, I will be able to not only give of my Self to this amazing community, but that I will also gain some much needed support to help bring my long transition to this lifestyle to full completion. I am open to whatever happens, but, at present, this is my hope. It’s also going to be an awesome adventure doing something new in a place I’ve never been. It scares me as much as it excites me, so I know I’m on the right track!

This opportunity came to me as I was taking steps to once again get more minimalist in my life. After the Big Purge of several years ago – when I sold most of my belongings as well as my house, and, eventually, my car, too – I have managed, like many people, to amass a collection of stuff I don’t really need.

In an effort to further my minimalist intentions AND to help fund my Hawaiian adventure, I am hosting a yard sale/fundraiser event this weekend.  Part 1 is on Saturday afternoon and Part 2 is on Sunday morning. If you’re in Durham and are interested in getting some gently used treasures for yourself or your loved ones at bargain prices, or if you just want to stop by to say hello, please feel encouraged to do so! I’d love to see you!

I hope you are all having a beautiful Spring, and are taking good care of your Selves.

Big Love!

Melanie

Greeting the Porcupine

So, I’ve been really trying to continue working with the energies of Imbolc as the Wheel transitions toward Ostara.  It’s not been easy.  I’ve managed to land my Self in a whirligig of over-commitment, burn out, super stress and anxiety, a dwindling quality of self-care, and some misaligned vertebrae causing some pretty gnarly pain and insomnia.  Not-so-good times.  However, amid all this chaos, I am still doing my very best to look for the joy in the journey, the lesson to be learned or core challenge to be tackled.

I’ve been making some changes – I went full blond for the first time ever; taking steps toward even bigger changes – I’m really ramping up my search for a van to purchase that I can call home (more on that soon); and am working hard to treat my Self to some very necessary healing arts – getting massages, facials, and working with my crystals and gemstones.

This morning, after a particularly challenging week, I slept as late as I wanted.  (No alarm clock!!)  Then I rolled out of bed and onto the yoga mat where I gently urged my body toward expansion with some delicious languid stretching and moving.  I followed that with a re-reading of the description of Porcupine from my medicine cards book, and a Tarot reading with my trusty Mythic Tarot deck.  Both were insightful, informative and encouraging.

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You may recall that my totem animal for this period between Imbolc and Ostara is the Porcupine.  (Go here if you missed the last post where I wrote about this.)  As usual, this time when I read the description, my focus was directed differently than last time I read it.  This time I was drawn more to the discussion of Porcupine as a symbol of trust and faith – in people, in the Universe, in ‘the process’.  Here’s a passage I found especially poignant this morning:

“Porcupine has many special qualities, and a very powerful medicine:  the power of faith and trust.  The power of faith contains within it the ability to move mountains.  The power of trust in life involves trusting that the Great Spirit has a divine plan.  Your task is to find the pathway that is most beneficial for you and that uses your greatest talents to further the plan.  Trust can open doorways to the creation of space.  The space thus created allows others to open their hearts to you and to share their gifts of love, joy and companionship.”

I have been starting to understand, recently, just how much I am in need of Porcupine medicine.  I realize that I have lost a great deal of my ability to trust and have faith in this world.  This is especially true with people.  Being such a sensitive and highly empathic person, I am very easily deeply hurt by others, often without the others even knowing.  I’ve created a habit of recoiling from others as a result, always feeling distrustful of getting too close to anyone.  This is a sad state of affairs, in general, but, especially so, considering that I am a person who craves close companionship with others.  So, in essence, my lack of trust and faith is keeping me from one of the desires I hold most dear.

However!  Just this week, I experienced a little Porcupine medicine in action.  I’ve been (in my own trepidatious way) cultivating a friendship with a new colleague.  She’s been expressing concern over my health complications and waning energy.  (I’ve been feeling pretty defeated.)  Earlier this week, when things were getting kind of unbearable with my neck/head pain and the continual insomnia was really starting to effect my ability to pretend everything’s okay, she came to me at work bearing a beautiful picture she painted and some herbal tea.  The painting was inscribed with such kind words that I cried when I read them.  For the first time in a very long time someone actually saw me – not the face of me, but the whole me – and embraced me, honored me, and cared for me.  I am most often the one taking care of those around me.  I am most often the one making sure everyone else is alright.  I am not only not used to someone doing this for me, but I make it difficult for those who try.  Not intentionally, of course, but because I am not good with allowing myself to be vulnerable.  (I’ve become the wounded Porcupine – using my quills for protection.)  This simple gift may seem small and commonplace to some of you reading this, but, to me, it was a paramount gesture of generosity that really set to work the restoration of my trust and faith in not only the world, but in my place in it.    So … Porcupine is weaving her magick in my life in more profound ways than I expected.  And I am super grateful.  (Gift-bearer, if you are reading this, thank you, again.)

whale

So, change is happening.  Magick is afoot.  And the Universe is supporting me in the process.  I hope that you are getting the Universal support you need, too.  I’m trusting that Life is unfolding as it should for the greater good.  And I am ready to unfold with it.

xoxo,

melanie