** I meant to post this back on 1 April, but somehow neglected to do so. Here it is now, if a little tardy. **
I’m feeling restless. This isn’t a new feeling for me. Not even close. It circles around at least once a year like a little satellite—consistent, reliable. This is the time of year it comes home to roost. Or, rather it comes home to try to shake me from mine.
It’s not surprising that I’d take notice most intently today, either. The Moon is in Sagittarius right now, planetary ruler of the Traveler.
While this restlessness is a familiar friend, I am having trouble greeting it this visit with my usual open and loving arms. On the one hand, this is now officially year 2 of a global pandemic that has rendered most of the world static and rooted, whether they want to be or no. But, on the other hand, I feel like I have just created a new nest for myself here in Asheville, and am feeling the need to call some place Home for a while. I’ve essentially been drifting, untethered, for all intents and purposes, since I set out for Hawaii in September of 2016.
What a long, strange trip these past 4+ years turned out to be.
This restlessness affects me in a number of ways. With a North Node in Sagittarius, I am awash with the Wanderlust. It stirs in me deeply and intensely. The specifics of what it looks like shifts and evolves, but it never diminishes. At present, I am happy establishing these roots here. I am ready for the security of a home base and all that comes with it. But my feet are still itchy for the open road. I long to see different horizons, experience different cultures, explore different landscapes and climates.
But the restlessness also invites me (forces me?) to question everything I’m doing in my life. It’s as if I’m being tested for complacency, and anywhere it shows up in these exams, I lose marks. It is at this time that I am asked to look my Soul in the [proverbial] eyes to see how well I’m following Her plan. Anywhere there is complacency, there is a nudge to make some course-corrections. I don’t know how this deep personal inventory process goes for you, but it is hella uncomfortable (okay … and crazy beautiful and necessary) for me.
When Restlessness comes to call, I am also made glaringly aware of my current state of connection—with the world, with family/friends/lovers and with my Self. The older I get the higher I score on the latter spoke and the lower on the first two. And while I’m proud of the honest and loving relationship I’ve cultivated with my Self, I find I am increasingly fearful of how often I am feeling lonely. (This is not to be confused with being alone. Being alone is a wonderful and necessary part of my life. Being lonely, however, sucks.) I know I have much Shadowcraft to do around relationships, and the Restlessness is a very blunt reminder to get started already.
I often wonder how I can contain so much feeling in this one small human body. It’s like there’s an enormous monsoon of emotion roiling and churning and twisting and turning and reaching and growing to the point it feels like I might explode into a million little bits of stardust at any moment.
But, I haven’t done that yet. For now, anyway, I’m still intact in this small human body. And I must trust that I have the tools I need to transform this monsoon into bliss. That’s what my gift is, after all: I am a conduit here to show the way to that kind of personal alchemy that comes from diving into the discomfort of the Shadow and merging with it in Holy Union. This is what turns it into gold, baby.
So, I will, once again, receive Restlessness when She comes to call. I will accept Her gifts, and use them to create a more beautiful life. And I will be richer for it. And so will the world.