Once More With Feelings …

I’m feeling some deep, heavy feelings.  This moment feels choked with them, almost as much as my throat and my thought bubbles are.  I was wondering if it is a result of all this tension at Kanekiki, but when I sat with that thought, I discovered that those experiences are merely flavoring the soup … they aren’t the stock.

I have decided the best way for me to work through this emotional experience is just to dive into it and swim about and see what greets me.  This is never easy for me.  In fact, I think the fact that it isn’t easy is a huge component of what makes it so powerful and so necessary.  I feel Pele is working on me again.  It’s like she’s giving me one more big, beautiful, painful gift before I leave Her island.

And while I’m thinking about the fact that I’m leaving this place, I am recognizing that I have so much sadness and apprehension around this leaving.  I feel an umbilical attachment to this place that keeps telling me I haven’t finished feeding yet.

I feel a strong attachment to the idea of coming back here … sooner than later.  And coming back to Hilo, not Kanekiki.  While I appreciate so many of the charms of the farm and of Puna, it is not where my heart feels most full.  And it is only when I remove myself from it that I am able to fully recognize this.  I feel sadness for the sadness that this news might elicit from some of the people at the farm.  I feel a strong surge of gratitude for the relationships with which I’ve been gifted during my time there.

One thing I am feeling pretty strongly right now is a growing sorrow and anguish surrounding my relationship with one particular friend.  I’m feeling joy and love, too, though.  It’s become very clear to me how much I honor and appreciate this friendship.  Recently my friend set off to explore some new opportunities.  These explorations appear to be leading to a new path for my friend, one that is less concurrent with mine.  I am facing some strong feelings of personal irrelevance, separation anxiety, and even heartbreak.  I’m delighted that my friend is being embraced by a community that is supportive in so many new and wonderful ways.  I must be honest and confess that I also feel jealousy that I am not finding this for myself so easily.  And I feel some pretty unexpectedly powerful sadness at the idea that do not seem to have as prominent a place in my friend’s life now.

I recognize that this is part of the ebb and flow of life.  I recognize that sometimes we are aligned with certain people during certain experiences to share and gain certain gifts, and that once those gifts have been processed and those experiences navigated, it is sometimes time to move on to whatever comes next.  It is not definitive that this relationship is complete at this time.  But, either way, I am learning the importance of taking time to mourn when I have needs that do not get met, or do not get met in my preferred way(s).  It’s up to me to seek out other strategies for meeting my needs.  It is not for anyone else to meet my needs.  It is not for anyone else to provide for my fulfillment.  That is my job, and my job alone.  Others might willingly contribute to my joy as they are walking their paths alongside me, but, ultimately, only I can make sure I am making choices that bring me joy.

I’m in Hilo this Sunday morning.  On my own after two nights with some other friends here in town.  Tonight I stay in the hostel.  I’m having a second breakfast at a local cafe.  I’m writing my feelings and eating my meal amid the din and kinetic energy of the Sunday morning crowd.  I’m recognizing just how much soul nourishment I get from being here … being a part of the flow of the moment.  I feel more connected, right here, right now, to the world community and the flow of life than I have in all my time at the farm.  What a strange and unexpected awareness.  What a welcomed clue to help me make the decisions soon awaiting me.

This is becoming clear:  I don’t want to invest in Kanekiki.  I don’t want to commit to one particular way of life or way of being.  I don’t want to root down in any one particular place.  (How many times must I learn this lesson?)  I want to experience so much more.  I want to make my decisions in the moment, as options arise and as my feelings and needs dictate.  

I am choosing to eat a cooked [vegan] breakfast this morning without shame or guilt or fear, because it sounds good right now.  And I will let it nourish me in the ways that only this meal can.  It might not be the optimum choice for my physical nourishment, but it provides a less tangible form of nourishment for me:  It feeds a part of my soul that is needing this particular kind of sustenance in this particular moment.

I had a wave of awareness wash over me as I was walking to town this morning.  I became aware, in a very powerful and specific way, that I want money in my life.  I want abundance.  I am ready to be a magnet for money, and I am retraining my thoughts and patterns toward abundance and away from the scarcity mentality that I’ve been carrying like an albatross for most of my life previous.  (Another recurring lesson!)

I recognize that I am coming to many of the same understandings that my friend has come to this same weekend.  We are receiving similar messages from different sources.  She is getting hers from a group of new friends and new adventures, and I am getting mine from a room full of strangers and a few stolen moments with my Self.

I’m feeling inspired to create a life of wealth and passion and joy.  I am feeling inspired to rediscover my passions.  I am feeling inspired to define my life by what makes me feel most alive.  And to redefine it moment by moment as I grow and evolve and transform.  As with most of the influential experiences in my life, my time in Hawaii is proving to be a chrysalis for some very potent and transformative growth.

I am so grateful.  I am grateful to Pele.  I am grateful to Hawaii and her inhabitants.  I am grateful to the ocean.  I am grateful to Kanekiki and everyone who has touched my life there.  I am grateful to my family and friends who continue to support and love me no matter how strange my thoughts, words, and actions might seem to them.  I am grateful to my Self for being able to navigate these experiences, and for being open enough to go through this learning process and to allow this growth.  I am grateful for being brave enough to be with my discomfort and my fear and to nurture these feelings and appreciate them and give them voice to share their stories with me.  I am grateful for this moment.  I am grateful for this life.

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